Sunday, November 25, 2012

ELECTION 2012 (If It Were ME, I'd ...)

With all the madness finally out of the way and the votes tabulated (yeah ... IIII know: 'that-electoral-college-aint-our-vote-they-miscounted-etc, etc) another Presidential election is finally in the books and all we've gotta do is wait until Jan.20 to seal the deal for another 1462 days.

Hey ... remember back-in-olden-times, when the movers and groovers were talkin' about gettin' one of our own to be Prez someday? (Yeah, I know ... we might've just missed the boat with George W., but did we win out with Obama or what? [now, watch me get busted for sayin' that ... lol])
Well, back then, the buzz was for Morrison or (especially) Zappa to take the plunge! 'Course, they couldn't do it 'cause the law says ya gotta be over 35 (and we didn't trust anyone but record execs over that age, right?).

Well, every four years or so, I get an email (Man, I've just gotta start writing more. Then I'll get more email than that!!) asking what the Rock Relic would do if he were President.
Geez ... let ... me .... think (reflective music as screen gets blurry):

Well, first, the National Anthem would be rendered ala Jimi Hendrix. Nobody could paint a musical picture better than his "Woodstock" version of the tune ...

We'd close up the chapter in Afghanistan and bring our military home -- sending a Tuppperware lady, a Chippendale dancer, Rush Limbaugh and Richard Simmons over to totally confuse the enemy until all troops are withdrawn.

I'd make "idnit" and "dudnit" legal words (examples of usage: "That ol' car's 'bout wore out, idnit?" "Looks silly with that bald guy drivin' it, dudnit?"). Hey -- I'm in Kentucky. I'm entitled ...

I'd pardon older-model cars with bald guys driving them. But not the drivers themselves. Unless they're bald(ing) Relics and have classic rock pumpin' from the speakers ...

People would be promoted heavily. Life would be revived. Time would be extended. All other magazines would have to stand on their own ...

I would commission scientists to study the Rolling Stones to determine the cause of their longevity. By doing so, we may be able to extend life by 120 years ...

(I'd find a use for this space, considering I lost part of my script ...)

There'd be a national ban on "Microsoft Explorer needs to close" messages
 
The national food would be peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. Toasted. With bananas.

I would ban Maalox®, because, for some reason, there is no FemalOx. And indigestion shouldn't be sexist ....

And I'd ask cuzzin Gary Belich to be my VP ... after all, he's got the cooler record collection ...

Hey, look ... if we can see guys calling themselves None Of The Above ('tis true! Both L. D. Knox and Eric Mutch legally changed their names ) run for public office, and even a cat run for President in 1988 (Nine Lives® cat food's Morris), then it could be possible for me to ... 
(Suuuuuure, Relic ... and it's possible there was a Wizard of Oz ... right??)

Stay tuned ...

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